What I Fear

I’ve spent my life feeling like someone who was on the move. An itch would get under my skin and inflame the hairs up and down my arms, tingling through the back of my neck. Little imperfections in my environment would become huge gaping holes propelling me to go, to move, to change for the sake of change. I always – always – saw an ending for me that was somewhere alone. It’s cheesy but true – my ending in my mind was always me, living alone, with a couple of cats. I wasn’t afraid of commitment … I was afraid of abandonment. Love to me was always something you left before it left you. End of story.

But my story has changed now. Life has changed that for me. Love has changed that for me.

Life is an open question now, one that I stare at a great deal – surprised that I get to have a life I never thought I would, never thought I could. Every single day is a surprise because nothing is the way I once suspected it would be.

Right now it’s about determining how to let go of how I always saw the end and allowing life to take me where I’m meant to be. With who I’m meant to be with.

Advertisements

Reminds Me of You

Call it a cliché. Call it whatever you want, but it drives me insane how every time I turn on my iPod so many songs reminds me of you.

What’s your problem? Invade my mind? Fine. Invade my heart? Go ahead. But invade my iPod? Really?

We Keep Going

There are a lot of things you’ve been learning about life.

This is what you do, you’re a ball of tape that rolls and bounces and picks it all up as you go, and from time to time you check the adhesive to see what’s on you, how it all adds up. Recent stock-taking would have you happy as you see what’s settled on the surface. Friends. Security. Hope. Your recent liking of avocados. Amazing stuff really.

But sometimes the floor falls out from under you and you are not prepared enough to handle some of what comes your way.

It’s just the way it is. But, you keep going because that’s what you always do and that’s the only choice that you have. 

The “L” Word

There is a particular word in the English language that has been abused, mangled, and cut up; its body parts strewn across the plain of modern day speech in a way that many would describe as careless and heartbreaking – that is, if they noticed it at all. See, this abuse – resulting in a definition so marred and obscure that one struggles to define it at all – has occurred so gradually and so quietly that it has gone completely unnoticed.

The word I am talking about is love. (Although I recognize that a similar case could be made for hate as well. However I am not here to talk about hate.)

There are very few of us who are not guilty of misusing this word. I admit myself that I am guilty of taking part in this abuse. It is heard every day: you love your outfit, you love those potato chips, you love swimming, you love the colour green, you love that new song on the radio, you love those shoes, you love that video game, but none of that is the same way in which you love your friend, which is not the same as the way in which you love your husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.

How is one to tell the difference?

When one over hears someone say, “I love you” how can one know which meaning the speaker is using? Moreover, what is this meaning? Webster’s New World Dictionary lists eight different meanings for the word ‘love,’ ranging from “a deep and tender feeling of affection for or attachment or devotion to a person or persons” to “God’s tender regard and concern for mankind.” But these definitions are not very clear and there are so many. How is one supposed to tell whether they are feeling a “…feeling of affection… to a person” or a “passionate affection… for another?”

The fact of the matter is that this word and its definition, though they may have been clear at one point in time, have become incredibly vague and confusing. It has reached the point where very few people have a firm grasp on what love really is and even fewer are able to discern if and when they are or have experienced it. I feel that those few are very lucky.

In this day and age, due to the abuse of the word, many people don’t know what love is and that, dear readers, is nothing short of a tragedy. 

Love and Risking Heartbreak

Why do we get into relationships? We allow a person into our lives and into our hearts, risking heartbreak and emotional turbulence, hoping that the good times will outweigh the bad. We let our guard down in exchange for connection. We invest our very selves in something much bigger than us; the possibility of falling in love.

Finding “the one” is no easy task. It’s a strenuous game of trial and error that can leave us exhausted and crushed if we are not careful. In the search for connection we expose our most secret sides to another person, trusting that they will see something in us that is worth holding on to. But if finding “the one” is in fact so difficult and so wearying, why are we willing to give love a chance time after time?

How safe is it to invest in the idea of something more? Are we just fooling ourselves, or do we really have another half? Are we betting too much in this love game, all the while setting ourselves up to be hurt? 

Scared Of Love

It takes a lot to make me trust a person fully. Mostly because I’ve been let down. Hard. I’ve poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, I never let myself feel anything for anyone anymore, I’ve run when I couldn’t ignore the feelings anymore. I’ve run so much, for what seems such a long time… I’m tired.

So, this time, I have sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings.

I really don’t know what to do. I know loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how I feel when I get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and … I’m scared.

How can I be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot. 

Why It’s Hard Sometimes

 

It’s hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself – that you’re worth it, that your good the way you are – and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

You try to be open to love. And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don’t understand is how you’re CLOSED. You want to fall in love; it’s the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can – sustaining yourself on living vicariously through other love stories and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

It’s not that you haven’t met people but you feel like a fraud when you don’t feel the way you’re supposed to. So you keep a distance and don’t give them the wrong idea about how you feel, so you don’t end up in a relationship or in a place with someone you don’t even like.

That’s why it’s hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And, why it’s hard sometimes when you’re always the one that’s alone.