Unloved

“Now I know I’ve got a heart, because it’s breaking.”

~ Jack Haley, The Wizard of Oz

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Sleepless Nights

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the recent weeks. The kind of thinking that takes place when the night is at its darkest and those thoughts seem so loud in the silence, so loud that they chase sleep away.

There is the never-ending stream of memories I would rather forget. I think about how my heart has been stretched, squeezed and popped so many times that it’s a wonder it is still beating.

I think about how everything around me is changing and sometimes all those changes are too much for the heart to handle. Sometimes it’s too easy to get lost in these thoughts.

Eventually I do fight these thoughts away, forcing myself to think of something else. But not before they’ve done their damage. 

Another Time

“Is it too much to ask for magic? Am I too old to be expecting butterflies anymore? Have I lost the innocence and naivety needed to feel infatuation again? As I lie in bed next to Mr. Perfectforme, I inevitably feel the sneaking snake of doubt come creeping into my mind. I feel guilt for feeling doubt because I should be letting myself go, falling in love, head spinning. But I’m not. I’m thinking of dishes in the sink, presents to be wrapped, e-mails to reply to. When I roll over and see his amazing baby blues staring at me, I don’t get flutters and flickers. Instead, my mind floats back to another time, another place, another set of arms which, when wrapped among, gave me the flutters and flickers. I miss those arms and those feelings. I would give anything to have one more night in those arms, the butterflies flying crazy inside of me.”

– Susan

Indifference

“Indifference is the real opposite of love. To love or hate, you must care about the person. To be indifferent is far worse.” -Source Unknown

*This quote hits me hard because I am guilty of being indifferent. A defence mechanism used to keep the walls around me. I am afraid to let my guard down, to let anyone know the real me. Oh I throw bits and pieces out now and then but the real me is safe behind my walls. 

Protected Heart

In the past I’ve protected myself against falling in love by holding a part of myself in reserve. I want the other person to go first. Once upon a time I wasn’t afraid to go first, to be the person who liked the other person more. There was a time when I was able to be brave. And then I got damaged and I wouldn’t go first anymore. So I stayed aloof, kept a part of me separate and always watched the other person for signs that would let me cut and run away. It has protected me from getting hurt again. But I think it protected me from finding real love too.

You Want

You want to be the last person he thinks about before he falls asleep. You want to be his first thought when he wakes up. You want to be the one he texts or calls when he’s bored. You want to take cute pictures with him, put them on Facebook or Myspace and show how happy and cute you are together. You want to make your ex think: “What the f*ck did I do?” You want him to hold you tight, never let go… and never hurt you like the one before him did.

Broken

Nobody really ever knows how much anybody else is hurting.

We could be standing next to somebody who is completely broken and we wouldn’t even know.