Christmas Song

My very favourite Christmas song has long been I’ll Be Home for Christmas. Because I was kind of raised by television, I want to say the first time I heard it was not, as you might have suspected, on the beloved John Denver and the Muppets Christmas CD, but I’m pretty sure the first time I heard it was on a commercial. Folger’s, in fact. A son in the army catches a bus home, sneaks into the house, and smiles at the tree. I’ll Be Home for Christmas is playing in the background. The very thoughtful breaking-and-entering son decides to make coffee (Folger’s, wouldn’t you know it) and the mom awakens to the beautiful smell of dissolving caffeine crystals and heads downstairs with a smile, not for a moment wondering why Mr. Theif broke in AND decided to make coffee while doing so. When mom sees the son she bursts into tears and then the beautiful I’ll Be Home for Christmas disappears into: The best part of waking up….

Still. Love the song. It’s a very simple song – short, easy lyrics, easy on the ear (especially considering it was first done by Bing Crosby in 1943, and he’s got the voice of an angel).

I’ll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me.
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents under the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I’ll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the love light gleams.
I’ll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams.

Sweet. Lovely. Uplifting. This song-along with O Holy Night, which I like to pretend I can sing but can’t due to the high notes. Or I should specify – I can hit the high notes, but only if I am really, really drunk. Then I’m sure I sing like Judy Garland, if Judy Garland really was a drunk.
Oh wait.

I’ll Be Home for Christmas was a song. It was an instant coffee commercial. It was Old Blue Eyes on the radio. It was something I played on an endless loop as I had an endless parade of houses I lived in and endlessly moved from.

When I moved to Alberta I thought the “Only in my dreams” part of the song would mean I’d be dreaming of Christmas in New Brunswick. As for, the “I’ll be home for Christmas”, well that part did come true. Home just happens to be in the freezing cold of northern Canada.  Christmas arrived and there’s a big tree in the living room, there were stockings and presents and a big turkey dinner. I have a home with a wonderful husband and the cats.
This year,  I was home for Christmas. It’s as simple and as complicated as that.

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Indifference

“Indifference is the real opposite of love. To love or hate, you must care about the person. To be indifferent is far worse.” -Source Unknown

*This quote hits me hard because I am guilty of being indifferent. A defence mechanism used to keep the walls around me. I am afraid to let my guard down, to let anyone know the real me. Oh I throw bits and pieces out now and then but the real me is safe behind my walls. 

Protected Heart

In the past I’ve protected myself against falling in love by holding a part of myself in reserve. I want the other person to go first. Once upon a time I wasn’t afraid to go first, to be the person who liked the other person more. There was a time when I was able to be brave. And then I got damaged and I wouldn’t go first anymore. So I stayed aloof, kept a part of me separate and always watched the other person for signs that would let me cut and run away. It has protected me from getting hurt again. But I think it protected me from finding real love too.

What I Fear

I’ve spent my life feeling like someone who was on the move. An itch would get under my skin and inflame the hairs up and down my arms, tingling through the back of my neck. Little imperfections in my environment would become huge gaping holes propelling me to go, to move, to change for the sake of change. I always – always – saw an ending for me that was somewhere alone. It’s cheesy but true – my ending in my mind was always me, living alone, with a couple of cats. I wasn’t afraid of commitment … I was afraid of abandonment. Love to me was always something you left before it left you. End of story.

But my story has changed now. Life has changed that for me. Love has changed that for me.

Life is an open question now, one that I stare at a great deal – surprised that I get to have a life I never thought I would, never thought I could. Every single day is a surprise because nothing is the way I once suspected it would be.

Right now it’s about determining how to let go of how I always saw the end and allowing life to take me where I’m meant to be. With who I’m meant to be with.

The Beginning

I am ready to fill the holes in my photo albums with someone new.

Reminds Me of You

Call it a cliché. Call it whatever you want, but it drives me insane how every time I turn on my iPod so many songs reminds me of you.

What’s your problem? Invade my mind? Fine. Invade my heart? Go ahead. But invade my iPod? Really?

Love Letters

I started this entire thing because of him.

But then it became about so much more than him. It became about how I felt, how I was healing and it became about those of you who spared some time to read this. For that, I’ll keep posting because this is about more than just him or me.

Thank you for reading, thank you for 5000+ views and thank you for giving a girl something to write about.

With love,

Me ♥