Time Changes Everything

When was the last time you really crossed my mind? I can’t remember your smile. Nor can I recall your face with perfect clarity. That cologne you used to wear, I can’t recall the smell anymore. I don’t look for your car when I’m driving and my heart doesn’t skip a beat when I do. Time has changed everything. I’ve finally moved on.

Love The Little Things

There are little things about everyone that I love. Generally, I think that this makes me a better person. I try hard to appreciate something in everyone.

The part where I always get into trouble is when I actually do fall in love with someone. Sometimes I have a hard time differentiating my everyday love from my I-want-to-be-with-you-everyday love.

Sleepless Nights

I have been doing a lot of thinking in the recent weeks. The kind of thinking that takes place when the night is at its darkest and those thoughts seem so loud in the silence, so loud that they chase sleep away.

There is the never-ending stream of memories I would rather forget. I think about how my heart has been stretched, squeezed and popped so many times that it’s a wonder it is still beating.

I think about how everything around me is changing and sometimes all those changes are too much for the heart to handle. Sometimes it’s too easy to get lost in these thoughts.

Eventually I do fight these thoughts away, forcing myself to think of something else. But not before they’ve done their damage. 

Indifference

“Indifference is the real opposite of love. To love or hate, you must care about the person. To be indifferent is far worse.” -Source Unknown

*This quote hits me hard because I am guilty of being indifferent. A defence mechanism used to keep the walls around me. I am afraid to let my guard down, to let anyone know the real me. Oh I throw bits and pieces out now and then but the real me is safe behind my walls. 

Protected Heart

In the past I’ve protected myself against falling in love by holding a part of myself in reserve. I want the other person to go first. Once upon a time I wasn’t afraid to go first, to be the person who liked the other person more. There was a time when I was able to be brave. And then I got damaged and I wouldn’t go first anymore. So I stayed aloof, kept a part of me separate and always watched the other person for signs that would let me cut and run away. It has protected me from getting hurt again. But I think it protected me from finding real love too.

Flying on Silver Wings

Something’s happening. I can feel it. I feel different roads that lead the other way.

I am moving today. Flying on silver wings to my new home, my new life, in the West. I have so many thoughts running through mind … will I find a job & how long will it take … will my cats be okay on the flight … thoughts on missing friend and family … how will I survive the terribly cold winters … lots of different thoughts. But mostly I, am excited to begin this new chapter, One Girl’s Adventures in Western Canada (non-fiction),  in my book of life.

I may not be here for a few days, depending on how long it will take to set up new Internet service. But, I’ll be back.

 Me 

L-I-F-E

If you have visited here recently you know I went on a three-week vacation to the Western part of Canada. I fell in love with the west, what the locals call Big Sky Country.

I have decided to move West.

Actually, I’ve talked about moving to  a big city since the day I could legally drive. Fate was now directly in my hands, and I could go wherever the road led.

Then things happened. Like school and a career. And life. And so for a variety of reasons, I’ve never left my little province on the East coast.

With everything that has happened in the past year I feel like my life is primed for change. I could just sit here thinking about it for the rest of my life OR I could just get up and do it.

Honestly, I don’t like moving at all. In fact, I hate it. Statistically speaking, moving is one of the most stressful life experiences most people can have, falling somewhere after death and taxes on the list of ‘Things People Really Would Like To Avoid’.

But, here I am, moving to a new Province, on the other side of this vast country, where I really don’t know the area or any of the people except a cousin and a couple of friends. I will be jobless when I arrive and that will certainly add a fair bit of stress.

It’s a scary experience but also exciting too. I read a quote somewhere (where, I am not exactly sure … someone else’s blog? An email? A motivational poster?), it said:

 Adventure is a 4-letter word spelled L-I-F-E.

I am ready for my life’s adventure. I haven’t started packing yet, but I am pretty sure it will be done by the time I have to move all of my stuff.

Western Canada I hear you calling and I am coming to you … are you ready for me?

My Vacation

 

I’m back from three terrific weeks in Western Canada.

On the map I’ve starred the major places I visited although there were many places in between. Starting at the top:

 Fort McMurray

Athabasca

Edmonton

Hinton

Jasper

Lake Louise

Banff

Calgary

Let me tell you if you have never seen the Rocky Mountains it is something you should plan to do at some point in your life. It really makes you feel like a little speck on this planet of ours. The scenery alone makes it worth the drive. The rugged terrain is awe-inspiring and travelling through the Rockies makes for a pretty spectacular trip.

One of my first glimpses of the Rocky Mountains. They are breath-taking!

 View of the Victoria Cross Range from the Upper Summit Station at The Whislters in Jasper, 2277M (6831ft).

Athabasca Galcier, Icefields Parkway between Jasper and Banff. The road through here lies at approximately 2200M (6600ft) and Mt. Athabacsa on the right is 3833M (11,500ft).

You can see the devastion to the lanscapse caused by the weight of the glacier.

I actually stood on the toe of the Athabasca Glacier. I was lucky to witness three avalanches when the 80-100M rim of snow/ice fell about 333M (1000 ft.) I never realised just how loud an avalance is … like a sonic boom.

Sunwapta Falls still not raging with melt water.

Lake Lousie in the center of mountains, all around 3000M (10,000ft). Hard to believe people used to vacation here when there were no cars, just trains & wagons.

I saw so many big horn sheep along the sides of the road and up the hills.  On this trip I also saw a 1 bald eagle, 1 grey wolf, 1 black bear, 1 yellow-headed black bird, several elk, several birds called magpies, several ravens, 1 hawk and several variety of squirrels.

View from The Upper Summit Station, Sulphur Mountain, Banff; located 2281M (7,486ft) above sea level.

This squirrel looks like the chipmunks found in New Brunswick except it is at least twice as big as a chipmunk. He was a friendly little guy, following me around and posing.

These are but a few of my photos and shunk to fit here just doesn’t do any of them justice.

I’m Leaving

“… I’m leaving on a jet plane
I don’t know when I’ll be back again ” Chantal Kreviazuk

I am going to be offline for a while. I won’t be here. I won’t be on email. I won’t be anywhere.

Well actually, I will be somewhere. I am going on vacation. My flight leaves in 3 hours. Please be here when I get back.

Advice

“You tried so hard to be the person everyone wanted you to be. Maybe you should’ve just been the person you wanted to be.
– Iain

Sometimes

Sometimes there aren’t there enough words, enough ways, enough methods to get my inner most emotions and thoughts out. Sometimes I just can’t express my emotions to people that are especially close. To people I love. Sometimes I wonder why this is such a challenge for me. I wonder why I can be the friendliest person to others or I can strike up a conversation with strangers in the elevator, but I can’t with those closest to me.

And, all of this makes no sense because I have no trouble in this blog … and my heart is nothing close to replicating a mere blog text box where I click publish. 

Scared Of Love

It takes a lot to make me trust a person fully. Mostly because I’ve been let down. Hard. I’ve poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, I never let myself feel anything for anyone anymore, I’ve run when I couldn’t ignore the feelings anymore. I’ve run so much, for what seems such a long time… I’m tired.

So, this time, I have sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings.

I really don’t know what to do. I know loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how I feel when I get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and … I’m scared.

How can I be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot. 

Why It’s Hard Sometimes

 

It’s hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself – that you’re worth it, that your good the way you are – and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

You try to be open to love. And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don’t understand is how you’re CLOSED. You want to fall in love; it’s the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can – sustaining yourself on living vicariously through other love stories and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

It’s not that you haven’t met people but you feel like a fraud when you don’t feel the way you’re supposed to. So you keep a distance and don’t give them the wrong idea about how you feel, so you don’t end up in a relationship or in a place with someone you don’t even like.

That’s why it’s hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And, why it’s hard sometimes when you’re always the one that’s alone.

Handle With Care

I started writing because I needed a creative way to vent my feelings. Often times my posts are filled with raw honesty and by being so brutally candid with my thoughts I have created a space that others can relate to on a personal level.

So I will never stop posting my thoughts and sharing my feelings. Not only is this space a great way for me to express myself, it also allows me to connect a bit with everyone who reads my posts. 

Hidden Love

Real life doesn’t follow my plan.

Sometimes, real life hurts.

And, sometimes I want to pretend it isn’t real.

But, it is real.

And, even in the midst of the hurt real life has a lot of beauty.

There are times I have to look harder, but its there just waiting to be found.

I want to live a real life and be willing to experience the pain and willing to look for beauty.

Listen To Your Heart

Not the first one in the morning or the one on the TV, the well-meaning phone call on a Monday night one or some you find on the radio … the voice that whispers between your ears before you fall asleep, that’s the one you pay attention to.

Run Away

Just so you know, I want to run away… to somewhere I can feel happy and be at peace. Maybe have a nice cup of coffee and mellow out and forget about all this.

I close my eyes and I let my mind wander….

 

It wanders to a familiar place. A place I don’t talk about or acknowledge exists. A place where there is only me. Alone in my mind. I scream. I am screaming into emptiness. And, there is no one to hear my scream.

The Mask We Wear

“A smile is a mask worn by the hurt and betrayed;

It’s the jester who cries at the end of the day.”

– Source Unknown

 

Loving The Weeeknd

I’m not going to be able to post over the weekend. I am taking a much-needed mini-vacation. I will be out of town and I’m not taking my laptop with me.

I’ll write again soon.

Happy Today

Remember that scene from the beach when Leonardo di Caprio screamed describing his fight with the shark “I WILL NOT DIE TODAY!”?

This is exactly how intense I feel with a little twist.

I WILL NOT BE SAD TODAY.

Today I decided to have fun. No not just fun. I will be happy, content and satisfied. I will have a sincere smile on my face. I will focus on the now. On this very instance. On how everything IS OKAY. I will not divert my thoughts on how things were nor how things might turn to be. I will be happy today.

No.

I am happy today. Because I choose to be. Because I decide to be.  

I am happy today, and I hope you are too.

Fortuitous Love

Someone once said to me:

“You constantly look for a sign and when it’s given to you and you don’t like the answer, you call it a coincidence. There are no coincidences.”

Nothing

When love begins, it’s easy for you to make something out of nothing.

When it ends, it’s much harder to turn that something back into nothing.

Insomnia

It is my lie.
I use daily
Like makeup…
To cover my sadness.

What I Do Best

I’m trying to joke and laugh. I’m telling myself that it’s no big deal and that I better stop obsessing and move on already.

I’m too stubborn to allow myself to ache and take time to heal… hasn’t it been said that in my stubbornness lies my strength.

So I lock it in, stand up and pretend nothing happened, it’s easier.

I do it knowing that I am just burying something that will rise later to haunt me, and I am saying it’s okay; I’ll be stronger by then.

Yes, I’m doing what I do best… I smile and change the subject.

Hit Delete

I’ve written you a hundred messages that I’ll never send.